Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for healing, connection, and change. But it’s not the right solution for every situation—or at least not right away.
Sometimes, pushing ahead into therapy without the right foundation can actually leave people feeling more frustrated or hurt.
Let's explore a few important situations where couples therapy might not be the best first step—and what alternatives might be more helpful.
When Couples Therapy Might Not Be Helpful (Yet)
1. When There Is Active Abuse
If there is ongoing physical, emotional, or psychological abuse in a relationship, traditional couples therapy is not recommended.
Therapy is built on the idea that both partners can safely express themselves and take some responsibility for the relationship dynamic. In abusive situations, there’s an imbalance of power that makes that impossible.
What’s more helpful:
- Individual therapy for the person experiencing abuse
- Safety planning
- Specialized support services for domestic violence
2. When One Partner Is Completely Unwilling
Couples therapy requires a basic level of openness from both partners. It’s okay if one person is hesitant, nervous, or unsure—that’s normal.
But if one partner is completely closed off to the process (refuses to engage, blames the other entirely, won’t commit to attending), therapy may struggle to get traction.
What’s more helpful:
- Individual therapy for the willing partner, to support clarity and coping
- Sometimes, education and gentle conversations can shift resistance over time
3. When There’s an Active Addiction or Untreated Serious Mental Health Issue
If one or both partners are actively struggling with addiction or serious mental health issues (like uncontrolled bipolar disorder or psychosis), couples therapy may not be effective right away.
These challenges can hijack sessions, making it hard to focus on the relationship itself.
What’s more helpful:
- Specialized treatment for the addiction or mental health issue first
Once stabilized (even if not fully resolved), couples therapy can become a powerful next step
4. When the Main Goal Is to Force a Specific Outcome
Sometimes, one partner enters therapy with a hidden (or not-so-hidden) agenda:
"I’ll go to therapy if it convinces you to change."
"I’m only here so you’ll realize I’m right."
If the main goal is to “win” rather than to understand and grow together, therapy can become a battleground rather than a healing space.
What’s more helpful:
- Clarifying intentions before starting: Are you willing to be curious and vulnerable, not just persuasive?
- Individual therapy might help uncover deeper needs and fears.
Therapy Isn’t About Blame—It’s About Readiness
Even when couples therapy isn’t the best step right now, that doesn’t mean the relationship is beyond hope.
It simply means there might be other important steps needed first—steps that create the safety, stability, and openness therapy needs to truly work.
So What's Next?
If you’re unsure whether couples therapy is right for you and your partner at this moment, it’s okay to reach out and have a conversation.
With rhe help of a skilled therapist, you can figure out what support would be most helpful—whether that’s therapy, individual work, or something else entirely.
Healing is still possible. The path just might be a little different than expected.