In any close relationship, emotions are powerful forces. They can create moments of deep connection—or lead to painful disconnection. One of the biggest predictors of relationship health is how each partner manages their own emotions, and how they respond to the emotions of the other. When either partner struggles to regulate their emotions, the relationship can begin to feel chaotic, exhausting, or unsafe.
What Emotional Dysregulation Can Look Like
When partners have difficulty with emotional regulation, everyday issues can quickly spiral into major conflicts. One person may become overwhelmed by anger or sadness and lash out, criticize, or shut down. The other may respond by withdrawing, stonewalling, or escalating the fight. Over time, these patterns can create a cycle of hurt and mistrust.
For example, imagine a partner who feels insecure and reacts with intense jealousy over small things—reading too much into a text message or an evening out with friends. Rather than calming their fears internally or expressing their needs vulnerably, they might accuse or attack. Their partner, feeling unfairly judged, might defend themselves harshly or disengage completely. What could have been a moment for reassurance instead becomes a battlefield.
On the flip side, some partners suppress their emotions entirely, appearing distant or cold. Though it may seem like they're "keeping the peace," emotional shutdowns leave the other partner feeling isolated and abandoned. Emotional regulation doesn't just mean managing outbursts; it also means staying emotionally available and responsive.
How This Affects the Relationship
When emotional dysregulation becomes the norm, connection erodes. Partners no longer feel safe turning to each other for support. They may start walking on eggshells, keeping secrets, or avoiding important conversations. Instead of feeling like teammates, they feel like adversaries—or strangers.
Importantly, emotional dysregulation is rarely intentional. Often, these patterns stem from deeper attachment wounds or unhealed past experiences. People may not even realize how their emotional reactions are impacting their partner, or how deeply they are rooted in fear of abandonment, rejection, or not being good enough.
Where Couples Therapy Comes In
This is where couples therapy, particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), becomes a powerful tool. EFT helps couples recognize the patterns they are stuck in and understand the emotions driving their behaviors. Instead of blaming each other for the chaos, partners are guided to see the fear, pain, and longing underneath the surface reactions.
In EFT sessions, couples learn how to:
Self-regulate: Notice and manage their own emotional triggers without immediately reacting.
Co-regulate: Reach for each other in vulnerable ways and offer emotional safety rather than judgment or distance.
Rebuild trust: Create a new pattern of emotional responsiveness that feels secure and supportive.
Therapy provides a safe space where these changes can happen. With a skilled therapist, partners can slow down their interactions, tune into what they are really feeling, and learn how to express those emotions in ways that invite connection rather than conflict.
The Bottom Line
When one or both partners struggle to regulate their emotions, the relationship suffers—but healing is possible. Through self-awareness, practice, and support like therapy, couples can break free from destructive cycles. They can build a relationship where emotions are not landmines, but bridges to deeper intimacy and love.